Today's Emotional Breakdown

I curled up and balled like a baby, the pain I felt this morning was so horrible. I put myself there because whenever I am not taking wonderful care of myself, It comes back to me 10 times over and I am shattered.

There is a milk that has been in my fridge for over an month and every time I open up my fridge I see the milk and besides taking it out and deposing of it. I close the door and ignore.

Now this is what I so often do with my life, problem and obstacles are put away and ignored. I want to change, this is not who I truly am, I wasn't always like this. I use to make my way and thrive somehow. I made poor decisions but I kept trying. I have learned so many lessons throughout my life from my past and all I have to do is make no excuse and take care of me and the rest, my marriage, my work, my health, my looks, and my peace will fall into place.

Enough is Enough

I am so tried of the way I have been living my life at 50% sometimes less, and all I do is make excuses and feel depressed even when I know that my life is the way it is solely because of the decisions, the tiny bad decisions that I make over and over. Those decisions keep me down and depressed. Why and I so afraid to give 100%, I feel the fear deep inside me and it makes me keep living at such a low level. It's like I am waiting to be saved. Well no one is going to save me but me.

Changing of an behavior

Its been a week since I have last written and things have still been up in the air. I am living at such a low capacity for me and I am growing more and more anxious everyday. Richard says things will change soon and life will be more stable but its  hard to believe him. He and I still struggle today ,we got into a fight because once again he made a remark that seemed offensive to me, but he swears he meant nothing by it. That is a problem though because I have gotten so defensive towards him that anything that might seem like a remark or joke at my expense hurts me. He has promised to change over and over  the last two years but the change that I need has not come quickly enough for me and I have told him it's time for him to do something differently. So we agreed that he would journal everyday, he is going to write down every time I hear him make an offensive joke or comment about me and I will let him know why exactly it hurt my feelings, he is also going to write down days when he has been kind to me. He will write in it everyday if he is serious. My part of this will be not engaging in the often hurtful banter and to not even start it. I am afraid of how this will change things because for so long we have been this way, making fun of each other and laughing  until someone goes too far. I just need to remember that the rest of our lives are meant to be different. I do believe that if we can change and grow together nothing will stop our love from lasting a very long time, but I am getting tired of waiting for the change, I guess this where I am to practice some patience and being positive.

These Shit Moments

Today was a struggle for sure. I have these moments often of depression and despair, where it's hard for me to breath, my brain is racing full of negativity. Sometimes I feel like if I had a gun I would blow my brains out, because it hurts so bad. In these moments I make rash decisions, say untruthful things, and think in black.

This usually last only a few hours but can do damage that just makes shit worse. Possible Betty is hard at work at these moments.

Betty is the name of my episodes I have since I have borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed 6 years ago and this mental illness has been love and hate.

Anyways I know being self aware can make the difference, I want to teach myself to pinpoint these moments of delusional despair and do something to ride it out with making nothing worse. It's funny because hours afterwards I feel completely different, hopeful, peaceful, and clear.
What a fucking roller coaster!