Ready to start again

Well here I am again, Richard will be home more so I don't have to worry so much about that right now. I feel like I can start focusing on my work more now, which is something I really want to do . My work as an internet dominatrix and fetish model, now that I know this is something I want to become very successful at, I have no more excuses. I have everything I need to make a go of this as a career and I get to entertain people which is something I love to do . This last year has been so rough for me and for Roman but our love has totally held strong and I am so grateful for this, but now I need to focus on other parts of my life.

For example, completing goals I set for myself. First one is working a set schedule for a full month. This is all I will care about. I wont stress over not working out, or eating as best as I can or how much television I watch. I have to start with on life changing goal at a time and fully focus on it. I am ready for success, and there is nothing in my way anymore, not even ME.


To the future, and wow I am sounding so optimistic.

Imprisonment

This is where I am today, feeling completely imprisoned. I have spend day after day inside, in silence, and alone waiting for my life to begin again. I am stuck in the midst of waiting, I hate waiting because patience has never been my something I possessed. Riley my husband has been working 65 hours a week not including traveling time, and before that if he wasn't working he was looking for another job and that has been going on for over a year. This has taken  a great toll on me, and has become an  astounding distraction for all other parts of my life.  I am feeling as low as I can. After realizing that in order to get my life on a new path I would need to fix this major distraction and demand that he is home more. He agreed and now we are waiting til Tuesday to see how soon this will be happening. But here is the thing, I have refused to focus on any other part of my life until this particular issue has been resolved.

I am now waiting in desperation, I can't take much longer of this I feel like I am dying every day and every hour. So I sit and watch hours of television and sleep so I won't think! Of course that doesn't always help because after a few hours of tv I start to feel immensely depressed. Anyways I tell myself that this will change one way or another.

Consistency, A huge battle

Here I am again in a place in my life where many pieces are broken and the steady path I desire so badly is not there. I know the person I dream I am to become if I continue living on this is earth is inside me, she is always there even when I want  to give up so badly. With all the years of excuses, failures, let downs. I have build this unhealthy and un productive barrier around my true self. I believe one of my downfalls is the fact that I am a great starter but a horrible finisher. All of my issues with sticking to my commitments of changing my life have made me doubt myself even tonight as I am writing. I have goals that are so grand that I know in order for to me succeed and attain these goals I need to dig deep and pull out the superstar I know lies within me. I have yet to fully give up even with all of the shit I have put myself through.

I am afraid that I do not know how to dig deep and unleash my power inside. sometimes it feels so hard to reach. This taunts me everyday I feel I am not living to my full potential, and to be completely honest I don't know what my full potential truly is. Do I even need to know right now or can I just wing it?


My life feels like it has had a huge snowball affect and it is a bad snowball. I am not ready to give up on myself, I do believe I can change I just don't how I will do this.
I hope this journal becomes a constant part of my life among others things, If it does it can aid in the greatest change of my life.