Bring your paystubs

What a fucking asshole, he knows what I am going through and my fucking insensitive husband continues to throw jabs that make me feel worthless and makes me believe that he sees me as a worthless and incapable person. I bet he thinks he is my savoir and if I do have anything it is solely because he has gotten it for me. Which this maybe very well be true but I feel like I chose to be with him, and I knew that my life situation was very difficult on my own and having someone loving me and helping me would be exactly what I needed to really turn my life around. It's so hard for me to be grateful to him when he likes to throw things into my face over and over. He needs to use my life mistakes to feed his own ego.
How the fuck am I suppose to turn my life around when the man I love so much, thinks so low of me?

Today's Emotional Breakdown

I curled up and balled like a baby, the pain I felt this morning was so horrible. I put myself there because whenever I am not taking wonderful care of myself, It comes back to me 10 times over and I am shattered.

There is a milk that has been in my fridge for over an month and every time I open up my fridge I see the milk and besides taking it out and deposing of it. I close the door and ignore.

Now this is what I so often do with my life, problem and obstacles are put away and ignored. I want to change, this is not who I truly am, I wasn't always like this. I use to make my way and thrive somehow. I made poor decisions but I kept trying. I have learned so many lessons throughout my life from my past and all I have to do is make no excuse and take care of me and the rest, my marriage, my work, my health, my looks, and my peace will fall into place.

Enough is Enough

I am so tried of the way I have been living my life at 50% sometimes less, and all I do is make excuses and feel depressed even when I know that my life is the way it is solely because of the decisions, the tiny bad decisions that I make over and over. Those decisions keep me down and depressed. Why and I so afraid to give 100%, I feel the fear deep inside me and it makes me keep living at such a low level. It's like I am waiting to be saved. Well no one is going to save me but me.

Changing of an behavior

Its been a week since I have last written and things have still been up in the air. I am living at such a low capacity for me and I am growing more and more anxious everyday. Richard says things will change soon and life will be more stable but its  hard to believe him. He and I still struggle today ,we got into a fight because once again he made a remark that seemed offensive to me, but he swears he meant nothing by it. That is a problem though because I have gotten so defensive towards him that anything that might seem like a remark or joke at my expense hurts me. He has promised to change over and over  the last two years but the change that I need has not come quickly enough for me and I have told him it's time for him to do something differently. So we agreed that he would journal everyday, he is going to write down every time I hear him make an offensive joke or comment about me and I will let him know why exactly it hurt my feelings, he is also going to write down days when he has been kind to me. He will write in it everyday if he is serious. My part of this will be not engaging in the often hurtful banter and to not even start it. I am afraid of how this will change things because for so long we have been this way, making fun of each other and laughing  until someone goes too far. I just need to remember that the rest of our lives are meant to be different. I do believe that if we can change and grow together nothing will stop our love from lasting a very long time, but I am getting tired of waiting for the change, I guess this where I am to practice some patience and being positive.

These Shit Moments

Today was a struggle for sure. I have these moments often of depression and despair, where it's hard for me to breath, my brain is racing full of negativity. Sometimes I feel like if I had a gun I would blow my brains out, because it hurts so bad. In these moments I make rash decisions, say untruthful things, and think in black.

This usually last only a few hours but can do damage that just makes shit worse. Possible Betty is hard at work at these moments.

Betty is the name of my episodes I have since I have borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed 6 years ago and this mental illness has been love and hate.

Anyways I know being self aware can make the difference, I want to teach myself to pinpoint these moments of delusional despair and do something to ride it out with making nothing worse. It's funny because hours afterwards I feel completely different, hopeful, peaceful, and clear.
What a fucking roller coaster!

Ready to start again

Well here I am again, Richard will be home more so I don't have to worry so much about that right now. I feel like I can start focusing on my work more now, which is something I really want to do . My work as an internet dominatrix and fetish model, now that I know this is something I want to become very successful at, I have no more excuses. I have everything I need to make a go of this as a career and I get to entertain people which is something I love to do . This last year has been so rough for me and for Roman but our love has totally held strong and I am so grateful for this, but now I need to focus on other parts of my life.

For example, completing goals I set for myself. First one is working a set schedule for a full month. This is all I will care about. I wont stress over not working out, or eating as best as I can or how much television I watch. I have to start with on life changing goal at a time and fully focus on it. I am ready for success, and there is nothing in my way anymore, not even ME.


To the future, and wow I am sounding so optimistic.

Imprisonment

This is where I am today, feeling completely imprisoned. I have spend day after day inside, in silence, and alone waiting for my life to begin again. I am stuck in the midst of waiting, I hate waiting because patience has never been my something I possessed. Riley my husband has been working 65 hours a week not including traveling time, and before that if he wasn't working he was looking for another job and that has been going on for over a year. This has taken  a great toll on me, and has become an  astounding distraction for all other parts of my life.  I am feeling as low as I can. After realizing that in order to get my life on a new path I would need to fix this major distraction and demand that he is home more. He agreed and now we are waiting til Tuesday to see how soon this will be happening. But here is the thing, I have refused to focus on any other part of my life until this particular issue has been resolved.

I am now waiting in desperation, I can't take much longer of this I feel like I am dying every day and every hour. So I sit and watch hours of television and sleep so I won't think! Of course that doesn't always help because after a few hours of tv I start to feel immensely depressed. Anyways I tell myself that this will change one way or another.

Consistency, A huge battle

Here I am again in a place in my life where many pieces are broken and the steady path I desire so badly is not there. I know the person I dream I am to become if I continue living on this is earth is inside me, she is always there even when I want  to give up so badly. With all the years of excuses, failures, let downs. I have build this unhealthy and un productive barrier around my true self. I believe one of my downfalls is the fact that I am a great starter but a horrible finisher. All of my issues with sticking to my commitments of changing my life have made me doubt myself even tonight as I am writing. I have goals that are so grand that I know in order for to me succeed and attain these goals I need to dig deep and pull out the superstar I know lies within me. I have yet to fully give up even with all of the shit I have put myself through.

I am afraid that I do not know how to dig deep and unleash my power inside. sometimes it feels so hard to reach. This taunts me everyday I feel I am not living to my full potential, and to be completely honest I don't know what my full potential truly is. Do I even need to know right now or can I just wing it?


My life feels like it has had a huge snowball affect and it is a bad snowball. I am not ready to give up on myself, I do believe I can change I just don't how I will do this.
I hope this journal becomes a constant part of my life among others things, If it does it can aid in the greatest change of my life.